You have 2 minutes to pack everything before we leave for Sun-U!” my dad bellowed.

I screwed up again.

But this time, I screwed up big.

Once again, the second time in a year, I’d been kicked out of the house for the same reason: for being gay.

Or should I phrase it in my blood father’s words, “a monster”.

“I don’t know, she is a girl, but should I call her as him? She is a girl who wants to be a boy! What should we call that? A monster!” 

“I can’t believe you! My own daughter! A monster together with another!”

I wished I was exaggerating. I wished I was the one who is making all these up but it’s not, it’s my ignorant and homophobic father. The man who beat up gays during his youths and remained proud of it. Why didn’t he tell this story to me before I came out to them? Then I would’ve known it’s never to safe to come out of the closet to them, to my own parents. The two people I looked up so much in my life…the two people who claimed to support me all the way no matter what…

Lies.

Such a long evening, it all begins on the badminton court. My dad invited me to be his mixed double’s partner, but I knew deep down, it’s not going to work out. No one can work with my dad on the court. Of course, saying no in his face would hurt him, so I thought proving it to him would give him the hint but who knows…

Shuttle after shuttle. He scolded every point I let go of, but he is the innocent one when it’s his own mistake.

When my father put all three of us in the family in a tracking app, I knew everything is just going to be a time bomb. I can’t go anywhere I like without getting interrogated. Asking me is fine, but not interrogating. Often I switched my location off because I don’t like the idea of someone tracking me all the time, despite they used the reason of “safety” and the closure “I won’t check on you”.

Lies.

“Why did you switched off your location?! Which friend are you going out with?”

I answered, “Uni friends.”

“And who is that uni friends?!”

“Just uni friends.”

“And EXACTLY  who is that?! It’s her right?”

I kept quiet. 

“I don’t know, she is a girl, but should I call her as him? She is a girl who wants to be a boy! What should we call that? A monster!”  

And I blew. “If she is a monster, I’m a monster too! We’re both gay!”

Disappointment and anger flooded him but he swallowed it, took his racket and bottle, and said darkly, “We will discuss this at home. This is not the right place.” 

That’s when I know, I screwed up again.


I ran to the toilet, tears streamed down my face uncontrollably, my breaths quickened till I went slightly light-headed. This is it. I tried to calm myself down as I held my phone and looked through my contacts. Who should I talk to? Who would be willing to listen? Who would even know what to advise my next move?? Who could possibly understand my position?!

Nobody.

I remembered frantically scrolling through my contacts, thinking there gotta be someone. And that’s when she messaged me. And with a rush, I typed out everything that had happened to her. She called me up, through my sobbing, I told her everything. How much I felt like ending my life. How much I don’t want to live my life being scared. How stupid I was for coming out. How much reality is hitting in and I’m too stupid to handle…

That’s when my mom walked in and sat beside me. The face full of worries yet expected what had already happened. I hung up and told everything that happened.

“I told you! You should’ve waited for university to end before getting in a relationship with Adeline! I told you so! You should have graduated first! Why can’t you listen to mommy for once?!”

I may have made a mistake for not shutting up. But my mom followed my footsteps.

She told everything to my dad and that was it.

It was the last straw.


Dad was driving and he screamed, literally. Scolding. Shouting. Blaming.

A monster!”

“I do not tolerate such stupid acts! Lesbianism is nothing but wrong!”

“Did she fed you big?! All those milk powder I bought for you, was she the one that paid for it?!”

“Aww..You felt heartbroken that I called Adeline a monster?? Huh?! Then what about me?! I don’t feel a thing is it?! I feel two times the pain!!”

“You’re not independent yet, already you behaved like that!”

“I dared you to declare, when you go to Maybank intern, I am LGBT – nothing wrong right?! That’s what you said! There isn’t anything wrong being an LGBT!- Then why do you worry people know?! Heng Jee not worried of people know he has a girlfriend!”

“Berani kerana betul, takut kerana salah! You’re scared now, that’s because you’re WRONG!”

“Tell the whole world you’re gay! Since there’s nothing wrong!”

“Does your aunt knew about this yet? *silence* EXACTLY! She didn’t know because we are ashamed! We told second aunt that Heng Jee has a new girlfriend because we’re so proud of it! If Heng Jee is gay, we would be ashamed! And I asked Heng Jee many times, are you gay?! Same treatment goes to you.”

“This is the only thing that Danny See will not accept! Even if you smoke, I will slowly TRY to accept you. But this one, this is ZERO compromise. And you have to do that one thing, me, as Danny See, CANNOT (x5 times) accept.”

“And I felt so ashamed that this happened in my family, and YOU BREAK this family of four. It’s okay, I still have three together! But if I have to break this one (my mom) I WILL BREAK. It’s fine just me and Heng Jee together, if not, I can start a family all over again!”

“There are some things in life that is able to be compromise, non-tolerable, non-acceptable, THIS IS THE ONE.”

“Challenge! Still dare to challenge! Why should I live in a life that there is a human being who is challenging me? Why  should I keep a person who is challenging me in my life? NO! Off you go! I’ll ensure you will safely landed in SunU, after that, when you closed this car door, there is nothing to do with me.”

“I don’t even what to solve this problem now! I don’t even want to see her parents man! His parent! Or her parent! Which one should I use?! I wanted to see the parents to see if we can solve the problem or not, but now I don’t even what to see the parents! They can accept it, good for them. Not me.”

“You have 2 minutes to pack everything before we leave for Sun-U!”

“Don’t let me have a shouting match out there! Then I will make police report straight away, you want to challenge me? Don’t. You do not know how much I can do. My suggestion to you is don’t. I will use all my intelligence against you, you better be intelligent if you want to fight with me. So for now, I don’t want to use my intelligence to go against you so now better you go. I chose neutral. Positive to accept you, there is no such thing. “

“Because of your own ‘happiness’ so called yeah, you chose that rather than your family. You should be happy now, I fulfilled what you want. But I cannot fulfill your want and at the same time, ACCEPT you. No such thing. Everything only about you! What about US?”

“You betrayed me remember! You know what your mom said to me? It’s because you knew that we (parents) don’t like your monster, that’s why you don’t upload your photos. My god! When I heard that, it so geli (disgusting)! How heartbreaking! The girl that I’d kissed every day on the cheeks which I loved so much, turned out to be a monster as well! My God!”

“Look at my WhatsApp to you: Live right! You don’t live right, you think it’s right! Go ahead and live your right which has nothing to do with me! I chose my life, you chose your life. Fair enough. I’d done my job, whether right or wrong or what, you did not lose a hand in accident or what, you’re now nicely grown up human being, I had done my part. So now, it’s time to let go. I nicely sent you off. Bye bye. Enough said.”

“Whether I will be not happy tonight, hopefully let me recover and happy tomorrow onwards. Thank you to have you as my daughter. You’re welcomed to tell people your parents died.”

***Above sentences are all written from recording. I only managed to record half of what he had said.

There were plenty of sentences that was missed out, and for the third time in my life, I had been said this in my face by own father: “The biggest problem in my life is you. You’re a problem, a trash. And trash must be thrown.’

When my mom texted me the last night, she said, “You’d been pushed out of the family because of your own deed. It’s your own mistake.”

I wished.

I honestly wished.

I wasn’t born at all.

Or at least, attempt a successful suicide when I was 15.

Selfish or what, I don’t even know what to care anymore.

The best way to describe how I feel now is : a dog, being put in a box, fetched away to a place, and was left there by the owner.

I wished I had a better way to phrase the sentence but my mind is blocked already.


That was it, I am out of the house once again.

It’s my fault for chasing my happiness.

It’s selfish of me to be who I am.

It’s wrong that I brought a girlfriend home but its right then my brother brought a girlfriend home.

It’s stupid of me for coming out to my parents.

It’s regretful that I can’t change the reality now that my father is being a brainwash to my mom, making her think she is a failed mother. A failed wife. A stupid and selfish mother. When that isn’t true…

It’s regretful that I had now came to the opinion that it is my fault for breaking the family, for being selfish, for not caring about my parents’ feelings, for not contributing to the family enough.

It’s regretful that I am the worst birthday gift to my father.

I wished you all…a pleasant day.

***Update: My father had blocked me on all social media, removed me from all the family group chats and removed me from the tracking app.

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